I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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