I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
