The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize