Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
