I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
