I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
