She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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