I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
