come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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