I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
