I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
