I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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