I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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