There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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