I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
