my mouth tastes like poor choices
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
