im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
