I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
