I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
im six kinds of drunk right now
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
