Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
