i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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