five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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