you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
