youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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