i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
