I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
