I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize