Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
