I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
