I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
