2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize