They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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