my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
and you fell through a lawn chair
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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