I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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