you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I am available for nakedness
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
