it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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