Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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