Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize