from now on my penis is your penis
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
