I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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