shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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