Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
