I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
