Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
