at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
