Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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