He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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