This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
