the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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