ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
