she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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