So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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