And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
