I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
