I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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