i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
