Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
