the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
