I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
