Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
