Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i think i have two assholes
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
