In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
