I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
