there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
