No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize