So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
How's work?
Spinning.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
